Be Honest
Let’s jump further down in Ephesians today, and read these words of Paul: "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4:15)
Speak the truth, he says. Be honest. Dealing with difficult people means speaking up in love when the time is right, and not just pretending everything is ok.
Bringing It to God First
I think this means, firstly, speaking the truth to God. If you find yourself in conflict, struggling with people and wanting to hold onto that grudge because you've been hurt, run to God! Run to God with your pain and your struggle, and pour it out to Him. Ask Him with tears in your eyes to help you deal with the situation. Ask Him for grace to see humbly what the truth in the situation is. Ask Him for grace to be gentle and kind to the people you are struggling with. Ask Him for grace to be patient and see the other person's point of view.
You don't need to hide it from God. Let it out. But seek help. Seek to deal with it. Seek to be done with your anger, your irritation, your pain.
And seek His guidance for whether or not to speak to the person.
Speaking the Truth in Love to One Another
For me one of the saddest things I see in the church is when people ignore each other. This is often misinterpreted - sometimes you are mingling at church and you just miss people, and they get offended that you’ve ignored them when you haven’t, you’ve just missed them!
But then there are occasions when people end up ignoring each other at church, “I'm not gonna greet him. He can come to me.” I think, really? Sometimes I wonder if my wife’s grade 2s are more mature than us!
Deal with it. Speak up! Meet together, with a mediator if necessary, and talk it out.
At our men's group the other day one of the men said how he’s learned that it's best to have an eyeball-to-eyeball conversation. Trying to speak the truth in love on WhatsApp or email, or even over the phone, is a recipe for disaster.
Rather, in love, meet up with the person you’re dealing with and seek a way forward.
Of course, sometimes leaving something is the right move - you can't confront every conflict, you'll never get anything else done. But when something is impacting your peace, your joy, perhaps it's time to meet with that person rather than to hold the grudge. To speak openly. To seek a solution.
Of course, you do it humbly. Gently. Patiently. But you don't leave it and let the grudge take root and spread.
Alastair Groves, a gifted biblical counsellor, wrote this: "The Bible is clear that confronting can be a vital element of love. Throughout the Bible, God confronts His people over and over again, not despite His love for them, but because He loves them."
One of the privileges of life in the church is that we can trust each other to speak the truth in love. I hope that you have a church family where you are able to confront each other with gentle love, rather than sweeping things under the carpet and having resentment build up.
That’s not the Jesus way! He dealt with difficult people. He spoke the truth in love.
May we too speak the truth in love: to God first - laying it all in front of Him. Then asking for His wisdom to confront difficult people in gentle love when necessary.
When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to be honest. This is hard! But it’s the only way to truly move forward and ‘deal with it’.